Whenever parents of teens get together, it's not long before the converation turns to discipline. "I just can't seem to get him to do anything". "She's really out of control". "All we do is fight. I'm so discouraged."
As long as children (especially teens) want more freedom and responsibility than their parents think they're ready for, there will be conflicts. But some parents have learned to safely travel the road of adolescence with their teens. Here are seven key principles that may help you and your teen.
1.DISCIPLE AND DISCIPLINE
For much of human history, young people learned the skills to be successful adults through "apprenticing". Under the guidance of a competent adult, they watched and leartned by doing. At the end of the apprenticeship, the young person was ready to go out on his or her own as a responsible, productive member of the community.
In biblical terms, "apprenticing" is called "discipling". It is the same process of teaching and modeling that Jesus used to train his disciples. By our daily example, we demonstrate and explain to our teens how to live as responsible, self-disciplined disciples of Christ and we invite them to "imitate (us) as (we) imitate Christ' (1 Corinthians 11:1).
For parents who disciple their teens for successful adulthood,the question is not "How do I control my teen?" but "How do I live such that when my teen imitates me, I'll be pleased with what I see?". Instead of concentrating on "What's the best way to discipline my teen?" they ask "How can I disciple my teen to help them become a responsible adult?". Successful parents focus at least as much on perfecting their own behavior on their teen's behavior. They are convinced that disciplining their teens involves loving and gracious discipleship--a partnership that helps teens grow into progressively greater responsibility for their behavior.
2. BALANCE LOVE WITH LIMITS
As a reflection of God's love, we love our teens unconditionally, but successful parents understand that unconditional love includes rules or limits. Of course, limits (or rules) and the consequences for breaking them are just what teens often claim they don't want. That's why a balanced approach, with plenty of hugs, encouragement, and kindness is so important. Confident, successful parents are loving but also firm. They know that even a firm parent, if loving, is a much more gentle teacher than the world.
Love with no limits is insufficient. Limits without love are ineffective. Confident parents know that teens need a balance of both.
3. LISTEN FIRST
The Book of Proverbs has this advice for parents: "He who answers before listening--that is folly and his shame" (Proverbs 18:13). Successful parents know how crucial it is to really listen to their teens. When you listen to your teens point of view, she's more likely to feel that you're on her side. Then she'll be more willing to listen to what you have to say.
In the same way, nothing shuts up a teen faster than criticizing the teen's opinions or beliefs quickly or harshly. When a parent needs to help their teen learn "a better way", parents should first look for something to affirm about their teen's opinions or values. Then, they should calmly say something like, "Have you thought about it this way?" This exercise helps a teen see his parent's perspective while keeping comunications open.
4. SET THE STANDARDS
Educators and confident parents have known it for years: "Teens live up (or down) to the expectations we have for them and the standards we set for them." So keep your expectations and standards high. After all, if you don't expect the best from your teen, who will?
But confident,successful parernts are also realistic. They know their teens won't always meet their expectations, so they help their teens get better and better with plenty of positive imput. They "catch them doing good". When their teen does clean his room or does call when he's going to be late, Mom and Dad offer praise. They know that praise is a much more effective motivator of future good behavior than criticism.
Many days it takes all the faith and trust they have, but confident, successful parents give their teenagers this message: "We believe in you. We know you can do it. And we know you'll do better the next time." Encouragement and faith are strong incentives for teens to live up to the expectations their parents have for them. Knowing their parents believe in them gets them through times when they just want to give up or give in to temptation.
Teens want and need trust. You can trust your teen's judgment because you discipled her; you've shown her how to make good decisions. You can trust her morals because you raised her in a godly, moral envrionment.
My oldest son was 15 when I said to another adult (intentionally, while my son was listening), "I don't worry about him. I'll trust him until he gives me reason not to." That became my rule during his teenage years. "I'll trust you until you give me reason not to." I gave him trust to live up to. It was a gift. He didn't have to earn it. It was his unless he lost it, in which case he would have to rebuild it. He never did.
5. BE A "YES" PARENT
Teens rightly demand and need increasing freedom and responsibility. And sometimes there are very good reasons for saying a firm "no" to their requests. But many times, we parents say "no" just because it's easier.
When we constantly say "no" to our teens, mo matter what their request, parenting becomes an endless series of confrontations and arguments ("Why can't I?" "Because I said so!" "You can't stop me." "You'd better watch yourself, young man!") instead of discipling.
No mater what the issue--clothing,curfews, driving or dating--negotiating and compromise whenever possible will help teens learn important skills for living and feel respected, too. "Yes" parents use negotiation and compromise willingly. They pick their battles carefully but they don't shrink from the very important ones. When serious issues of legality, morality, health or safety are concerned, even a "yes" parent will frimly say "no".
Do you want to really shock your teen? Try being a "yes" parent. Say "yes" to your teen's requests unless there's a good reason not to. Be-cause "yes" parents say "yes" whenever possible, their teens trust that when they do say "no", it really is necessary. This helps minimize confrontations, power struggles and whining. It heps make discipline, and family life in general, a lot more positive.
6.REMEMBER: PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
Learning to do anything well requires practice, including learning to live successfully as an adult. Adult daily life is a series of choices. Where will I work? Will I get married? Will I have children? Other choices are relatively minor. What clothes will I wear today? What will I have for dinner?
The skill of makng good choices, big or small, is learned through practice. We make choices, experience the consequences (good or bad), learn from our mistakes and move on. When teens are given appropriate choices, they learn that they are responsible for choosing and for the conse-quences of their choices. They learn that they ned to choose carefully.
In the mid-to-late teen years, the parent's role changes to more of a coach or mentor. As teen's mature, parents give fewer directions and more advice and encouragement. Confident parents give their teens increasngly greater freedom to practive making many everyday choices because they understand that "practice makes perfect".
7. KEEP YOUR PERSPECTIVE--AND YOUR FAITH!
There are plenty of times in life when it won't make a lot of difference if things aren't done "just right, right now". Whether it's taking out the garbage of cleaning up a room, some potential problems with our teens might wisely be treated with well deserved neglect.
To help us keep these daily situations in perspective, my wife and I live by the "DSSS Rule": Don't Sweat the Small Stuff. And here's an important corollary; "Most things are Small Stuff". Keeping these two rules in mind helps us avoid a major blow-up every time our teens are less than perfect.
Of course, we parents do our best for 18 years or so and them our children grow up and become adults. They make their own choices and alone are accountable to God for them--not to Mom and Dad. That's God's plan.
Will we know the satisfaction of having raised self-disciplined, Christian adults? Probably, but there's no guarantee except one: God is faithful. When our children leave home, we may be through with hands-on parenting but God is not. Long after they are living on their own, God still hears our prayers for them. Long after we're no longer there for them, He is. He loves our children even more than we do. We know God is faithful.
(c) Richard Patterson, Jr.
This article appeared in the JANUARY 2000 issue of LIVING WITH TEENAGERS magazine.
FOR MORE helpful information, tips and encouragement to be confident, successful parents (toddlers to teens), order your copy of "CONFIDENT PARENTING IN CHALLENGING TIMES: Essential Convictions of Highly Successful Parents" by Richard Patterson, Jr.
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