Discipline. It brings to mind images of people sweating at the gym while muttering "no pain, no gain" under their breath. But as hard as it may be, that disciplined, daily workout is an important ingredient in a healthy, happy life. So it shouldn't be surpirsing that a disciplined, daily workout is also vital to a healthy, happy marriage.
A four step marriage workout has proven successful in building and maintaining strong marriages. As I've observed the marriages of other couples and tried, for nearly 35 years, to nurture my own, I've seen how valuable this workout is. It doesn't require going to the gym but it does mean practicing the following four daily disciplines of in your marriage.
THR DISCIPLINE OF KEEPING IN TOUCH
For most of us, marriage starts with high hopes and more than just a dash of romance! The early days are sweetened by the glow and excitement of beginning something tremendous together. There's "just the two of us" and it's great.
Then parenthood changes everything! The demands of careers and family life increase from year to year. One day we may realize that we no longer spend time on the little things of daily married life, such as extended conversation or just being available to listen in a caring way. Does this sound familiar?
"We never talk anynore".
"OK. What do you want to talk about?"
"I don't know. I just want to talk."
When my wife and I heard ourselves saying that, we knew we needed to practice the daily discipline of keeping in touch. That means making real time for real conversation with each other.
Real conversation goes beyong the "battle report" of daily life---traffic, braces, soccer, the big sales presentation tomorrow. Our spirits become knitted together as we share, however briefly, our hopes and fears, excitement and disappointments, doubts and dreams, as well as our experiences of God's daily care. It takes effort to keep interested enough in each other to know what to talk about and when. That's why it's a discipline.
Since our middle aged bodies need daily exercise, my wife and I try to take a brisk 25 minute walk most mornings. It provdies the exercise we need but also provides us with time to talk. A cup of tea together after dinner (before you get to the evening newspaper or television) or getting into bed a few minutes early to allow for some time for "pillow talk" are other ways to practice the discipline of keeping in touch with your apouse, also.
"Keeping in touch" has a very literal aspect, also. Jesus often put his hands on people as a way of blessing them and showing them his love and care. A daily hug (or two!) is tonic to your spouse's spirit and will help keep romance alive and growing.
THE DISCIPLINE OF DAILY GRACE
Great occasions for serving God come seldom, but little ones surround us daily. Rarely, if ever, will I be able to play the hero for my wife. But all around me are small yet significant opportunities to show her God's love (and mine) every day.
My wife is a public school teacher and my office is in our home. Most mornings, she rushes out of the house and into her car to commute to work, while I "commute" down the hall to my study. So if she is savoring some extra quiet time some morning or just hurrying to get dressed, I try to have breakfast waiting for her when she's ready for it. And I make it my responsibility to keep her car filled with gas (and in winter, warmned) and ready to go each morning.
She has many ways of ministering grace to me, too. She knows I don't enjoy doing yard work and house repairs, so she often does them without involving me at all. Putting away the dishes in the dishwasher without being asked, bringing home your spouses' favoirte dessert "for no reason", putting up with endless TV football games without complaint--in these and many other small ways we can offer our spouse significant gifts of grace each day.
THE DISCIPLINE OF GROWING TOGETHER
When Billionaire Donald Trump and his wife, Ivana, were getting a divorce, someone asked what could possibly be the problem. They had everything!
"People just grow apart", Trump said. He spent their married life amassing his fortune; she spent hers managing one fo his hotels. They were too busy to spend time growing together so they just grew apart.
Marriage partners do grwo apart unless they intentionally work at growing together. Few of us are as welathy as the Trumps but the time pressures of career, family and other committments challenge all of us to find the time to grow together.
After a shared spiritual committment, regular time with your spouse is a basic ingredient in growing together in marriage. It can be time you spend on common chores, activities or hobbies or just having a weekly date. But as busy as most couples are, taking the time to grow together will certainly require discipline.
I'll admit that I'm like many husbands in two paycheck families. I've been guilty of not doing a fair share fo the housework. But I really don't mind doing the vacuuming. There's something mysteriously therapeutic for me in running a vacuum cleaner! It's also a chore that matches my low level household skills perfectly. So during the weekly cleaning at our house, I often run the vacuum. That makes cleaning the house no longer just a mundane or routine "chore". It's time we spend together.
Whe I was a child, going out for ice cream was one of our family's favorite activities. I remember, however, that it wasn't too long before I began to wish for more than just a single scoop. The ice cream was so delicious I wanted a big, tasty sundae.
Daily times together with our mates are like those single scoop cones. They're always special but they also whet our appetites for longer, "just the two of us" times together. Those big, tasty sundaes are what spouses call dates.
My wife and I try to save most Firday evenings to watch a rented video together. That's often our weekly date. Other couples we know go bowling, help out at the local food pantry or have a regular time each week to work on refinishing old furniture together. Whether you go out for an entire evening or stay in your own backyard, time together as a couple--without the kids or phone calls to distract you--can do wonders for keeping the marriage fires burning brightly!
Couples don't have to "just grow apart". They can grow together into an ever deepening love and companionship. But it takes the discipline of growing together.
THE DISCIPLINE OF GROWING IN FAITH
The divorce epidemic has ravaged our country in recent decades but it is still true that "the family that prays together, stays together"--or at least it sure increases the chances! Research confirms that sharing a strong faith contributes to a strong and successful marriage. Nothing creates such a strong and lasting bond between two people as a deeply held and shared faith.
As a way of growing together in faith, some couples get up 10-15 minutes earlier in the mornign so they can share some spiritual exercise: a reading, hymn or prayer. Of course, research shows that those in the strongest marriages attend public worship together regularly, too.
Thes couples don't just "talk" their faith; they "walk it", also. They serve at the local souup kitchen or homeless shelter. They particpate in or sponsor a group at their house of worship, they encourage other couples or help single parents.
If you haven't been putting enough time into growing together in faith with your spouse, it's never too late to begin. Start today!
If your spouse doesn't want to share the discipline or spiritual exercise you've chosen, be patient. Practice it on your own. Give it time.
If you want to have a successful workout program at the gym, you'll need discipline. The same is true for marriage. It isn't easy. As you begin your daily marriage workout, you may be doing exercises that are new to you. So there may be some discomfort at first. But regular, disciplined effort will yield great gain. I know. It's worked for me for nearly 35 years.
For addtional insights, information and tips on parenting and family life, order your copy today of "Confident Parenting in Challenging Times: Essential Secrets of Highly Successful Parents"
by Richard Patterson, Jr.
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