Soon it will be time to go on that annual late summer/early fall ritual called "back to school shopping". Shopping for clothing with children is
governed by two laws. The first law of chiildhood clothing selection says that ehn your ten has a choice between two apparently identical pieces of clothing, she will always choose the one costing more--even if the price tags are hidden.
The second law says that, when faced with a choice between a name brand article or an identical (and less expensive) store brand, a teen will always choose the name brand--and the higher price.
Is there something that manufacturers do that only eyes under 18 can see? Or maybe it's not the manufacturers.
Every day, through hours of advertising, our children hear the message that the important things in life are those that money can buy. Jesus' words contradict that. "Is not life more important than clothes? (Matt. 6:25). A person's value lies not in what they have or wear but in being a child of God.
How can we help our children see that there is more to life than having or wearing the best?
THROUGH YOUR CHILD'S EYES
On any week in our neighborhood, the most popular child is the one with the latest video or sneakers that seem to do the jumping for you. So on a shoping trip for new sneakers, it's no surprise when we hear, "But Dad, only nerds wear the cheap kind of sneakers. I'll die if you make me wear them."
The first time I heard my child say something like that, I panicked. "IS MY CHILD A CONFIRMED MATERIALIST AT AGE 11?" Then I rememberd my own childhood. I just had to have a certain jacket. Nothing my mother said could change my mind. Why? I was working through one of the most difficult tasks of growing up: fitting in.
Having the same jeans or toys as other children is one way that children gain aceptanc ein their peer group. As a result , they begin to feel "I'm okay. I'm likable."
From a child's point fo view, the issue is not materialism against spiritual values; it's fitting in and feeling good about yourself versus feeling unpopular and wierd. It is often more of a developmental issue than a spiritual battle.
And we're not so different from our kids. A few years ago a friend saw that I carried a gold version of a popular credit card. He knew the annual fee was expensive. "What do you get for all that money?", he asked. I stammered something about security, but it was evident to us both that the main benefit was a boost to my self-image.
JUST SAY NO?
Shopping for new clothes can be an exercise in negotiations ("If you'll settle for this, we'll go for ice cream.") or a power struggle (Here are your choices. It's these or nothing.") At times, I've said each.
Whenfaced with your son's plea for $100 sneakers, reason often fails. The fact that the $50 sneakers are just as well made, doesn't seem to matter. Reminding a child that she already has 7 pairs of jeans doesn't settle anything. So what's left? Say no and go home?
There have been plenty of times when I have said no, but when that was all I said, I knew I hadn't taught my child much.
I tried saying "But we can't afford it now". That's often true and it did work for awhile. Eventually, however, children discover that adults often "afford" what they want to afford. We make choices about how much to spend on a new car (or whether to get one at all) and how much to give to the church. Our choices reflect our priorities, which in turn reflect our values. Discussing our spending choices is a good way to share your values with your children in a concrete way.
CHECKING YOUR OWN CLOSET
Moses taught the children of Israel that they were to be a holy people. By their daily example they would pass on their faith and values to their children. (Deut. 6:6-9) But leading by example is challenging! It's hard to expalin to yor daughter why she doesn't need that 10th pair of jeans if you have 10 pairs in your own closet. It's hard to explain to your son why he doesn't need the latest video game if all the latest high-tech television and audio equipment is staring at him in the family room. It's ahrd to explain to our children why money doesn't buy happiness when it sure seems to do it for us.
Being a parent forces me to check my own closet once in a while. Then, I can see what my values really are--or ought to be.
THE SHOPPING PLAN
Sooner or later, you have to take your child shoping. After some bloody skirmishes in the shopping wars, I've come up with a plan for minimizing the frustrations while teaching healthy values toward material things.
First, we always go prepared. Before leaving the house, we always make a list together of the things that are needed and one or two things that may not be needed but are certainly wanted.
Then, based on our list, we prepare a realistic budget. That sets the limits on the trip and helps avoid the impulsive "But I just have to have...".
Second, I try to be flexible. If one or two items on the "needed" list are not as expensive as anticipated, we might purchase a "wanted" item.
Last, we make a game out of going to sales to shop for clothes. We might have to wait a bit longer to get the desired item, but it's fun to get it for less!
We work hard at teaching our children healthy attitudes toward material things but keep realistic expectations, also. Now and then, I still hear an occasional, "But I REALLY want ..." I don't expect my children to have a mature attitude yet. They still have some growing to do--as do I! For now, I'm content to understand and love them, encourage and lead them, and patiently teach them the lessons I've learned along the way. Who knows, maybe our next shopping trip will actually be fun!
(c) 1994 Richard Patterson, Jr.
A version of this article first appeared in Moody Magazine, October 1994
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