We want to foster stewardship and thankfulness in our children, not resentment. My son wanted to go to camp one summer. The week would "only" cost $150 which, he assured me, was a real "deal". But I could only think of the dentist bill we'd just incurred, the new brakes needed for the car and my hope to save a few dollars for our vacation. So I quickly said "Sorry. We can't afford it now."
Any time one of my children wanted something that conflicted with the spending priorities my wife and I had agreed on, we usually replied, "Sorry. We can't afford it." Of course we had good reasons for our decisons but our son didn't realize that. "Why do we have to be so poor?", he said. "We can never afford anything fun. God's not taking very good care of us".
His frustration bothered me. I saw that we had a problem--and one that didn't have anything to do with family finances. Wevweren't rich but God had blessed us generously. I wanted my son to thank him for all we had--not to complain and blame him for what we didn't have.
STOP USING THAT PHRASE
What had distorted my son's impression of God's care? As parents, we try to teach our children that we depend on God for all we have, that he provides for us generously and that we ought to be rightly thankful. Our son's outburst showed he had definitely not gotten the message! To a child, his reasoning made perfect sense. If God is the ultimate provider and we can't afford something, who is to blame?
Right then, I knew I needed to stop saying "We can't afford it". I wanted my son to realize that God did generously provide for our family. But I also wanted him to understand that our responsibility is stewardship--to use God's gifts in a way that pleases and honors him. To emphasize that, my wife and I began to look for opportunities to talk about how much God had given us, not what we "couldn't afford".
Our son's request to go to camp provided an opportunity to discuss our spending choices. When he did a chore to earn extra money, he expected to be paid promptly. So did the dentist and auto mechanic. That they be paid promptly was only fair, right and pleasing to God. (1 Timothy 5:18) And that, we explained, was how we tried to spend our money each month, based on our desire to please God.
WE AFFORD WHAT WE CHOOSE TO AFFORD
Like all families, we make spending choices but, we, not God, are responsible for those choices. God has blessed us so graciously that we can often afford what we choose to afford (that's what priorities are). We set the priorities and choose how to spend the oalways have more than we absolutely need. God is very generous to us.
But to convince my son of this, I would have to change the way I talked about our family spending. I needed to take more time to explain why we chose to buy or not buy things (the values behind our priorities). Instead of just saying "We can't afford it", I'd try to say something like "I'm sorry. I know you'd enjoy that but we have more urgent needs for our money this month".
God, who often gives his children the desires of their hearts (Psalm 145: 19, Proverbs 10:24), would be my example. Whenever possible I'd try to add something such as, "I know you'd really enjoy that new toy so we'll try to work it out next month". I tried to be considerate of my son's desires (even when I had to deny them) even as I believe God is with me.
Each discussion of spending was a potential lesson in stewardship and honoring God. Postposing a new bike prompted talking about the value of doing extra chores to earn money and of saving regularly. We could talk about our priorities, those ways to spend our money that pleased God most. Our sons began to understand the priority of meeting family needs (such as food, clothing and health care) and obligations based on fairness and honesty (such as paying bils promptly).
DON'T BLAME GOD!
When God's blessings are so abundant that we can meet some of our children's wants, it's important to say, "God has been especially good to us recently, so we thought you might like this." That way, our children learn to thank God for more than just the "routine" things.
At times, when my sons asked for expensive sneakers or something similar that wasn't a priority for us, I would have preferred to say, "Sorry. We can't afford it". That's a lot easier than owning those choices myself, explaining them and teaching godly spending priorities! But I learned that if I don't do those things, I risk putting the blame on God.
TEACHING PAYS OFF
As our sons have grown, we've talked in greater detail about our family's spending choices and values (any such discussions shoudl be "age appropriate"). When our oldest son graduated from college, he wanted to get a car, even though he didn't have a steady job and income. He wondered what payment he could afford. I went into some detail about our family budget so he could see all the demands (many he was unaware of) that have claim on our paychecks. He saw how much we save each month and how much we tithe. He saw our attempt to live the values we tried to teach him. I was pleased that he decided to wait for a car until he had a steady job and income.
We talk more about spending choices in our family now. But we try to avoid saying "We can't afford it". Instead, we try to focus on all that God has given us and the privilege of choosing to use our finances to please him. After all, he supplies all of our family's needs--and in his goodness, many of our wants. The only thing we really can't "afford" is to neglect to be thankful!
(c) 2000 Richard Patterson, Jr. This article first appeared in the January/February issue of MOODY magazine.
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